A Love Lost

Today is my father-in-laws birthday. Instead of celebrating today, we are mourning.

I said earlier, we have had a hard beginning to our 2013, on March 1st, Mike went to be with the Lord. It was very unexpected. Earlier that week he had been suffering from a stomach bug, Matt's mom finally decided to take him to the ER thinking he was severely dehydrated. That night between the ER and ICU, he lost consciousness and never woke up. Apparently, he had internal bleeding that could not be stopped and despite great efforts from the medical staff, God was ready for him to come home. We sat in disbelief for hours, no days. I still don't think it has fully sunk in. But as a gift to Mike, I would like to take a second and celebrate his life and the impact he had for the Lord.

I met Mike for the first time when I was in the 1st grade. The Ham family started attending our church and right off the bat I knew there was something different about this man. He was one of the most outgoing eccentric people I had ever seen. He always sat on the right side of the aisle, in the second row, red socks peeking out under his black slacks. I can see him with both hands lifted high during worship. I had never seen anyone worship the way he did. I will admit, in my young age, I thought it was weird... he would yell "Amen" and "Praise God". Was this normal? Often times I would get distracted and start counting the number of rubber bands around his wrist... there were always several. But as I got older, and as my relationship with the Lord began to grow, I began to have that urge to raise my hands and voice as to high to the heavens as I could. I finally understood what was going on inside that "old guys" head. Without knowing it, he had introduced me to a heart of worship.

Many years later, our paths crossed again when I began dating Matthew. From the first minute, he was always so supportive of Matt and I. He was so proud of us and could see that we loved each other and God, and that was the makings of a great couple. When there were so many people saying we were way too young to be getting married, he cheered us on. When we got pregnant 6 months into the marriage, on a single income, he said "Praise God! Children are such a blessing!" And with each child that we added, he was only more joyful. He knew that we were in God's hands, and I know without a doubt, that he was praying fervently for us each and every day. He bragged everyday to customers about his police officer son, his "adopted" daughter and their 3 (almost 4) beautiful children. Brooke, Maddux and Ellie (along with his other grandchildren) were the light of his life. We would go over to their house every other weekend and the kids would sit on his king sized bed talking with him, asking about all the wonders of the world. Grandpa seemed to have all the answers, and if he didn't, he made them up :). We were very blessed by him.

Every birthday, for everyone in this house, he has called to sing us Happy Birthday... he never forgot a single one! And because we can not do that for him this year, I want to say Happy Birthday Dad! We love you so much more than we have ever been able to express. Thank you for loving the Lord and our family, the way you did. We can wait to see you again in heaven, singing and dancing!

I'm still here!

I know that I have been mum lately, I honestly couldn't believe how long it had been since my last post. It's horrible to admit it but I have not sat down to my blog because God had placed something on my heart and I was avoiding it, scared of it. Once I gave in I was worried that if I posted about it then I would take 10 giant steps backward (it always happens that way!)

So what was this big thing I was running from?

Being a better steward of the things God has blessed me with.

If you would have asked me if I thought I was a good steward three months ago, I would have told you it was one of my strengths. I am always willing to give money or items to those who are in need... but then I looked at stewardship closer.

Steward: one employed in a large household or estate to manage domestic concerns

Stewardship: the conducting, supervising, or managing of something; especially : the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one's care

I had gone my whole life not knowing what stewardship REALLY was, and more importantly not living it out. I grew up hearing parables from the Bible of good stewardship, but something got lost in translation to my brain and heart. I have spent the last month taking a good hard look at the gifts God has given me and how irresponsible I am with them.

God has given me amazing children, but how am shepherding them?

We live in a beautiful home, but how will am I caring for and using it?

I have been blessed to not have a bunch of obligations competing for my time, so why am I wasting so much of it?

I have been striving to be more purposeful with the things and relationships God has given me. I still have a lot to work on, but with God's guidance and Matt's support, I am taking steps towards progress.

Happy New Year!

January 1 of every year, I go through a list of things I want to accomplish or work on through out the year. I lose sight of things within the first 4 or 5 months and just wait for the beginning of the next year when I get my "fresh start". In reality, God gives me a fresh start every single day. Each day I wake and have to make a choice. I am not saying that having goals are a bad thing, but maybe the way I go about setting these goals needs to be adjusted. This year I have chosen a verse to memorize and start each day putting it to practice.

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7

You see this is something that I struggle deeply with... I make decisions without seeking my heavenly father first. I worry about what others may say or think about my choices and I try to stay in my own comfort zone at all costs. I need to begin committing EVERY SITUATION to God, only then will I experience the peace of God. Only then will my heart and mind be guarded in Christ Jesus. Not only do I long to gain that peace that comes from knowing I am in God's will, I also want to show my children what it means to fully rely on God.

Right now there are a few things our family has on our2013 prayer list:

- The gym: Matt and I are still working on our personal training courses and seeking God's next step for us.

- Adoption: We have felt the call to adopt since before we had our own children, we are praying about God's timing and will. We are also praying about the funds needed to do this.

- Homeschooling: This is one that I debate day in and day out, part of me can't wait for the break that I will get when the kids start school, but another part of me feels like the best thing for my children would be to homeschooling. This is where I let others opinions weigh too heavily on my mind.

I believe in the power of prayer, is there anything I can be praying for you about?

When Dolly is Defiant

We called it right when we gave Brooke the title of Diva while I was pregnant. She had the little neck roll, hand in the air, "whatever" down at a very early age. What was so cute and silly when she was 2 is not so cute at 5. I will admit, she gets it from her momma. I am was a handful at times. Having a good attitude and be respectful is something we are working hard at these days, and Brooke has been doing a lot better. But recently, Dolly has been having some trouble with it.



Dolly's time out spot in the kitchen cabinet.



In an effort to speak her mind, without worry of getting in trouble, Brooke has been using her toys and stuffed animals as her scape-goats. At first I didn't know how to handle it, because I know that the disobedience is coming from her heart and it isn't just "play". So I sat her and her toy down, and I let her lead the discussion with Dolly about why her actions were not good. Initially, she thought it was funny and that I was just playing into her game, but then I reminded her what happens when SHE acts this way, and it was off to time out Dolly went. Now this was as much a punishment for her as it was Dolly, because now she didn't have her toy to play with. After this little exercise, I was able to see how much she really is understanding, and the things that are still being lost in translation. I now know what is truly being defiant and what areas I need to show a little grace and forgiveness for.

It also leaves me wondering, how many times do I try to blame my disobedience on an outside source, maybe even unintentionally. I am so thankful that God shows us grace, but also that he points those areas out to us in a loving way, because honestly, I just want to make my Daddy happy, just like I know Brooke wants to make me happy.

Ministries for SAHM's

In my late teens and early twenties, I spent a lot of time serving in different ministries at our home church. It was my passion. My own life had been so impacted by others who had invested in me, I wanted God to use me in the same way. Then, I had our first daughter, we did some moving (4 times in the first 4 years of marriage to be exact), and I stopped serving all together. My ministry had become motherhood. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with the chance to make this my full time mission field but I still felt this desire to be serving my church family as well. I also feel like it is SUPER important for our children to see us being an active member of the Body of Christ. So I began praying about areas where I can serve, without taking away from my family.



One of my middle school girls, Caroline, all grown up. I have been so blessed by my time as their Sunday School leader.



Providing Meals- The women's ministry in our church organizes Care Calendars for families that have just had a baby, lost a family member or has been very sick. I never realized how important this was until I was on the receiving end of it after Ellie Grace was born. This is probably the easiest one for me and the one that my kids can actually help with. I usually just make a double portion of what my own family is having. I let my littles wash fruit or bake some goodies to pack up and I take them with me to drop the food off. In most cases, the families are not up for a lengthy visit, so we just hand it over at the door and make our way back home for our own dinner. I try to leave any instruction on a little note, just in case they don't eat it the night it is delivered. If something comes up, you can always call in something for delivery.

Prayer Warrior- Sometimes we will have people at church announce prayer requests or praises they would like to have lifted up. But for the "smaller" (nothing is too small or too big for God) everyday requests we tend to keep them to ourselves. Whenever God places someone on my heart or when I see a new mommy who looks just as frazzled as me, I try to make it a point to ask them "how can I pray for you?". I know that I have needed prayer but felt that it was too silly to ask for it, when I finally do, God comes to my rescue. Not that I am saying God can't answer my prayers before they are lifted up, but I think sometimes he is just waiting for me to humble myself and ask for help. Case in point, when Brooke was 2, I was struggling with potty training her. It was my first time doing it and was at a loss. I was talking to another mother about it and she asked me to be praying for her and her son who were going through the same struggles. I was amazed that she was praying for potty training!!! I thought I was the only one! So we started praying for each other as mothers and for our children, wouldn't you know that in less than a month both kids were completely out of diapers!

Mentorship- This is something that I have gotten most out of practice doing. Most of us know that God calls us, in Titus, to mentor younger women. Sometimes we think that this is just for the "elder" women in church but it is for all of us. There is always a younger woman to reach out to. It doesn't have to be anything super formal. In fact, I have found that the less formal, the better. Prayerfully consider who God would like you to invest in and make a connection with her. Invite her over to your house to hang out, take her to grab a coffee before church one Sunday, ask her to come with you to the grocery store, go watch her cheer at a football game. I know initiating the relationship can be intimidating, but what she really needs is an older friend she can talk to. Most of us have faced similar issues and insecurities, she needs to know you can come out on the other side a stronger person. I know one of the things I worried about when I taught middle school girls was that they would ask me a question and I wouldn't have an answer, but I learned that it's ok. God can teach you through them. When you honestly say "I don't know, but lets figure it out together." It shows them that we are still learning, we are human and only God has the all the answers. We show them that we love them and care about what is going on in their lives so much, that we are willing to devote our time to helping them find the answers. Just make sure you keep her trust. If there is something that you feel her parents should know about, offer to stand by her while she tells them. If she refuses, prayerfully consider how God would have you handle the situation.

All of these can be done in your home, with your children, and can have an eternal impact. I truly feel like you are blessed ten fold when you devote time to blessing others.

⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. ¹⁰ Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

Galatians 6:9-10

Ready to Step Out

I started this blog almost 4 years ago. I had been a stay-at-home mom for a year and a half and wanted a place to share pictures of our family and document our journey. I have been posting a bit here and there throughout that time. I started another blog for a little while, as I wanted to get into design and event planning, it was pretty short lived. But lately I have been feeling like I need to focus "This Little Piggy". I began praying about what I should do. I am putting my voice out there for the world to read, but what is it saying?? What do I want to put my focus and energy into?? I still want to share our families journey, but more than that, I want to share how God is working in and around us. I want the words that are put here to glorify God. I want to write Truth and encourage others. I want to share fellow believers journeys as they are following after Our Heavenly Father. I want document my continuing testimony of Christ's love and grace in my life. I want my life and ministry to be an overflow of Christ's love into my family, my community and the world.

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart, his mouth speaks.

Luke 6:45

It is my prayer that God will use this little blog to impact someones life, even if it's just my own.

God's Grace Delivered

I have never really mentioned much about my pregnancy with Elliot. I didn't know how to put into words all that happened and what I was feeling. As I spend time thinking about Jesus and the grace that God gave us all through His birth, death and resurrection, my mind goes the grace that God showed me through Elliot's birth.

Matt and I stared trying to get pregnant in April of 2011. I had gotten pregnant with the first two without even trying so we were expecting to conceive fairly quickly. Three months in, without a positive test, I had become defeated and desperate. Every night I spent hours praying that we would get pregnant, for patience while we waited and for contentment if we never did. I started following an ovulation calendar, but even when we did everything science said would work, we got nowhere (this just goes to prove how much pregnancy is a miracle). In the middle of my struggle, the unthinkable happened... we lost our sweet niece, Desi, at 34 weeks gestation. This was extremely hard for our whole family, our eyes had been opened to fact that there are no guaranties in life. Even while mourning, my heart ached for my own child, the missing piece to our puzzle. We quietly continued trying until November came around. I knew that the absolute last thing I wanted was to get pregnant at the end of November and be due around Desi's birthday, it wouldn't be fair for my sister or my baby, but God had other plans. Just before Christmas I got the double lines I had prayed so hard for, but the news was met with many mixed emotions from everyone, including us. My tears and prayers of longing had turned into tears and prayers of anger and fear. How could this be God's timing when so many would be hurt? Why couldn't he have answered my prayers 6 months ago? Would he do to my baby what he had done to my sisters precious baby girl? I spent the first trimester in an angry daze; angry at God, angry at my family and angry at myself. I felt so alone, I had secluded myself. I saw my mood had begun to effect the older two children, so I put on a happy face. I began to convince myself that all would be ok as long as I was having a boy. God put another kink in MY plan and my 20 week appointment revealed a little girl. I tried everything in my power to make things better. I posted her ultrasound pictures around the house, talked to her and rubbed my belly all day, I still could not connect with her the way I did with Brooke and Maddux. I had accepted that she was coming in August, and that she was in fact a girl, but I still lived everyday with the fear that she would be taken from me before I even got to meet her. My prayers became pleas for forgiveness. Asking for protection over my little girl and comfort if I lost her. I wanted so badly to shop for baby items and set up a nursery, but I couldn't stand the idea of coming home to it empty handed. Desi's birthday came and we were able to put all of our focus on remembering her. It felt like God had finally answered one of my prayers and spared me from going into labor that day. A week later I was induced, and as an emotionally and physically draining pregnancy came to a close, I still worried about connecting with this child God was giving us. Then I was given a gift, God's grace. Even though I was so angry with God and doubted him every step of the way, He gave me a healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl. I was blessed with two amazing months of nursing in which that missing bond was built. My love for her is so great that it brings me to tears. It isn't just because of who she is but what she represents, a gift that I surely don't deserve. My God is so good and His timing IS perfect.

Today, my little Ellie Grace turns 4 months old and the last year seems like ancient history.



My Sweet Princess, My Saving Grace.



A Happy Medium

I have a confession... I have recently fallen prey to something I swore would NEVER enter my life, the worst four letter word I can imagine... D-I-E-T. Gasp!

I have never had an issue with weight, and at this very moment I am still comfortably inside the "suggested" weight range for my height and build, but I have not been happy with my body in a while. When the baby weight did not come off quick enough for me, I decided it was time to cut out sweets and carbs. Do you know where that got me? Even more unhappy and ashamed. Not ashamed because I was eating "healthier" but because for the first time in my life, food became the number one thing on my mind. Is it because of my inching closer and closer to 30? Is it because I know I will never look the way I did when I got married, before three kids? Is it because I fear I won't fit the image people expect from a fitness instructor?

This is insecurity at its finest folks, where a comment from my three year old (asking if I have a baby in my tummy) sends my emotions straight down the toilet... Where I get defensive when my five year old asks me why I hide in to closet to get dressed now... Where my husband asking to take me shopping sends me into a rage because I don't want him to see the double digits on my jeans. Yes, I have allowed Satan to creep his way into my life via my own self worth. Well from this point on I am giving it to God. I don't know what the happy medium actually looks like... I am sure God wants us to care for these vessels he gave us, but I KNOW he doesn't want us to turn it into an idol in our lives. I have to end this cycle before it begins, after all I have these two watching my every move.



I want them to realize how fearfully and wonderfully they were made.



Taking the Plunge!

You know the term "never a dull moment"? Well, never has a term rung more true for the Ham family than that one. As if welcoming our third child, Elliot Grace, into the world wasn't enough, God has been working other things into our family. You see, back in August when Matt was off to help me with the kids, he and his best friend were approached about their interest in buying a gym. Both of the families started praying hard as to what God would have us do. Matt and I felt like this opportunity was an answer to a long line of prayers for Matt to be able to spend more time with the family, the other family felt like it may be more than they are able to take on at this time. Then the current owners decided that they weren't as ready to let the gym go as they thought, so the deal was pulled before it even really got going.

When Matt and I heard this, instead of being disappointed or upset, we felt peace about it... but we also felt that desire to continue pursuing the idea of opening our own gym. We continued praying that if it was God's will, that He would keep us both in agreement about the next steps forward and that he would open doors to make it possible. We both decided that the first step would be for us to get certified as personal trainers and take a nutrition course. After much research we decided to go with the school that has been around for the longest and has the best reputation, ACE fitness (American Council on Exercise). This is a non-profit organization that offers many continuing education courses after we become certified. One program I am looking forward to most is the group fitness and Matt is really excited about the Sports Performance Training, so he can open the gym up to high school boys during summer.

Next, we started thinking about names. We had a few ideas that had been tossed around several years back, when the dream of owning a gym was "when we retire". They were clever plays on our last name and Matt's profession, such as Hamstrings and Outlaw fitness, but they just didn't feel right. I spent all night talking with my SIL (who has a marketing degree) and she had some great ideas too. That night before I went to bed, I prayed "God, I know this may sound trivial in the grand scheme of things but can you help us find a name that portrays the image we want to set forth." We already know that we want to make it clear to anyone who sees us to know that our focus is God first, family second. The next morning, as I was waking up the word iron popped into my head. It fit seeing how they call working out "pumping iron". I got on Facebook, as I do most mornings, and a friend of mine had posted a verse on her news feed. It read "Just as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17", I knew this wasn't coincidence. This is just what we want to say to our clients, we want a place where people develop new relationships and encourage one another to be the best that they can be, not just with fitness but in all aspects of life. A quick google search showed that the name had not been taken and so it is with much eagerness that we are going to file our DBA as "Iron Fitness Training Center".

Our next step will require a lot of FAITH on our parts and PRAYERS from friends and family. This dream all hangs in the balance of finding a small business loan. We have to trust that if we cant find someone to invest in us, then it just isn't part of God's plan, and if we do find the money then we have to believe that God will allow us to be profitable enough to pay back the loan. Both scenarios are scary to think of but I know that God knows better than we do! Our hope is that no matter what happens, God will receive all the glory.

So next week we begin studying for our personal trainer license and apply for our name. If you find yourself thinking about us, please say a quick prayer for us and our journey. We still have so far to go, but we are trying to take it one step at a time... right behind God.

Let Go and Let God

Matt and I have been "not trying but not preventing" getting pregnant since earlier this year. We have gone back and forth on whether we would like to add to our family or not. Then when the tragedy of losing our niece happened earlier this fall, we realized how precious life really is and that we do not want to prevent any blessings God has in store for us. We knew then that we want more children, and not just one more. Those of you who know me, know that when something as big as adding to our family is decided, it tends to consume me! But then my heart was torn... I didn't want to cause grief to my still mourning sister by announcing that we were seriously trying. My head was saying "you can't do this right now" and my heart was saying "I really want to grow our family". I was constantly looking at the calendar, stressing. We have to get pregnant this, this or this month, or we will have to stop trying for a few months because I don't want to be due on Desi's birthday or due date... it wouldn't be fair to Desi or the other baby. I would call my best friend, who lives 20 hours away, crying, asking for prayer, asking for reassurance. Finally I realized that I was wearing myself out for nothing.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

Not only does God call me not to worry, but also to have faith in His timing.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28


So I have had to let go of my controlling attitude, and let God do what He wants for our life. I need to love on the two children I already have and continue to pray for Meagan and Derrick. God knows not only when Matt and I will be ready to welcome a new baby, but also when Meagan will be ready. And with that my heart and mind are at peace.