Sunday, December 9, 2012

God's Grace Delivered

I have never really mentioned much about my pregnancy with Elliot. I didn't know how to put into words all that happened and what I was feeling. As I spend time thinking about Jesus and the grace that God gave us all through His birth, death and resurrection, my mind goes the grace that God showed me through Elliot's birth.

Matt and I stared trying to get pregnant in April of 2011. I had gotten pregnant with the first two without even trying so we were expecting to conceive fairly quickly. Three months in, without a positive test, I had become defeated and desperate. Every night I spent hours praying that we would get pregnant, for patience while we waited and for contentment if we never did. I started following an ovulation calendar, but even when we did everything science said would work, we got nowhere (this just goes to prove how much pregnancy is a miracle). In the middle of my struggle, the unthinkable happened... we lost our sweet niece, Desi, at 34 weeks gestation. This was extremely hard for our whole family, our eyes had been opened to fact that there are no guaranties in life. Even while mourning, my heart ached for my own child, the missing piece to our puzzle. We quietly continued trying until November came around. I knew that the absolute last thing I wanted was to get pregnant at the end of November and be due around Desi's birthday, it wouldn't be fair for my sister or my baby, but God had other plans. Just before Christmas I got the double lines I had prayed so hard for, but the news was met with many mixed emotions from everyone, including us. My tears and prayers of longing had turned into tears and prayers of anger and fear. How could this be God's timing when so many would be hurt? Why couldn't he have answered my prayers 6 months ago? Would he do to my baby what he had done to my sisters precious baby girl? I spent the first trimester in an angry daze; angry at God, angry at my family and angry at myself. I felt so alone, I had secluded myself. I saw my mood had begun to effect the older two children, so I put on a happy face. I began to convince myself that all would be ok as long as I was having a boy. God put another kink in MY plan and my 20 week appointment revealed a little girl. I tried everything in my power to make things better. I posted her ultrasound pictures around the house, talked to her and rubbed my belly all day, I still could not connect with her the way I did with Brooke and Maddux. I had accepted that she was coming in August, and that she was in fact a girl, but I still lived everyday with the fear that she would be taken from me before I even got to meet her. My prayers became pleas for forgiveness. Asking for protection over my little girl and comfort if I lost her. I wanted so badly to shop for baby items and set up a nursery, but I couldn't stand the idea of coming home to it empty handed. Desi's birthday came and we were able to put all of our focus on remembering her. It felt like God had finally answered one of my prayers and spared me from going into labor that day. A week later I was induced, and as an emotionally and physically draining pregnancy came to a close, I still worried about connecting with this child God was giving us. Then I was given a gift, God's grace. Even though I was so angry with God and doubted him every step of the way, He gave me a healthy, happy, beautiful baby girl. I was blessed with two amazing months of nursing in which that missing bond was built. My love for her is so great that it brings me to tears. It isn't just because of who she is but what she represents, a gift that I surely don't deserve. My God is so good and His timing IS perfect.

Today, my little Ellie Grace turns 4 months old and the last year seems like ancient history.

My Sweet Princess, My Saving Grace.

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