It was a year ago this month that I decided I was going to try to branch off and become a "professional blogger". I wanted so badly to be recognized for doing something well. I wanted to have 10,000 followers, be asked to visit conventions and test new products. I just wanted to be somebody important. Well it quickly became apparent that I am not good at blogging regularly or coming up with new stuff to talk about. Professional blogger would not be on my resume.
After the holidays passed all I could think about was how badly I wanted to go to college and get a degree so I could start working. I prayed for almost a full year for God to show me what to do. Which leads me to 6 weeks ago... a family friend mentioned I should start an event planning business. I thought, this is God giving me the go ahead to start working, woo hoo. I took on two volunteer jobs and lined up a paying gig. I have been focusing all of my attention on these three things, day and night it has consumed me.
Recently, in the wake of our families loss, I have been feeling this overwhelming emotion of guilt. I have not been counting my blessings, I have not been a good steward of the gifts God has given me. My children have been living off of cereal and pb&j. I cut out the only time Matt and I had together most days because I needed to get research done or send out a quick e-mail. I have been tired and short tempered. Most of all I have been confused. I was so sure I was doing the right thing, I was so sure I was in God's will. I was enjoying the adult interaction... why does it feel so "off"??? This evening I read through some of my old posts on "This Little Piggy", a woman after God's own heart, fully devoted to her husband and children. A woman who's hearts desire was to make a welcoming, peaceful, warm home for her family... Where has that woman gone??? As soon as I started trying to get attention from the outside world, I lost track of the most important things in life. I put the people who love me most, and I love most, on the back burner. There is so much shame in my heart that it is hard to even write this in words. So here I return, to my safe place... my only followers are family and friends, asking for prayer. Was God just trying to remind me where my place is at this season of life??